Define "chronic" masturbator.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
