dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize