Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize