Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
there is glitter all over my balls
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