So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
