dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
birth control should be required to get into college
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
