Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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