capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
