my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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