Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
BRING THE BAGELS
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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