just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
