somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
