New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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