mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
