You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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