im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
