As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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