I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
