i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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