I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
