Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
