what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
