Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
