Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
