I can text with my tongue
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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