Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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