Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
