that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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