I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Someone stole a lamp last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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