Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
