Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize