I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
