Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
