If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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