rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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