I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize