i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
