ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
