Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
