Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Someone signed my nipple.
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