you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
