You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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