She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
