I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
did i just pee glitter
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
