It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
