Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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