i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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