I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
