There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
