Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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