One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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