You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
