please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I am available for nakedness
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
