I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
