We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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