I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
