true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize