I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
