I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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