my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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