Cold hands, warm shart.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
