No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
