She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
