Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
